Table: Misspells 4 (Unpredict-O-Bubble Table)

There seems to be no limit to the ways in which Mis-Spells can manifest thanks to spells misheard, mispoken, mistranslated, or even misspelled. This is the nineteenth table of the Unpredict-O-Bubble Table.

Misspells 4

Roll 1d30

1. Bemuse Nurse
2. Bump
3. Carnation
4. Comprehend Luggage
5. Delayed Bliss Glitter Globe
6. Drawmij's Instant Cinnamon
7. Eerie Waiter
8. Firebowels
9. Fire Traipse
10. Gas
11. Hold Hamster
12. Hold Turtle
13. Legend Bore
14. Leomund's Tarp
15. Liar Shield
16. Lungs
17. Mirror Damage
18. Mordenkainen's Fainting Hound
19. Otiluke's Frozen Pear
20. Passwaffle
21. Power Word: Grill
22. Power Word: Shun
23. Score
24. Snow
25. Spittlerack
26. Time Stamp
27. Wader Bleating
28. Waste
29. Webbed
30. Wreath Magic

Table: Misspells 3 (Unpredict-O-Bubble Table)

Is there no end to the number of Mis-Spells that arise due to instances of caster error, syntax error, or other phenomena? This is the seventeenth table of the Unpredict-O-Bubble Table.

Misspells 3

Roll 1d30

1. Affect Normal Accent
2. Audible Glazer
3. Burning Hams
4. Cacaodemon
5. Clairannoyance
6. Clairavoidance
7. Console Elemental
8. Control Feather
9. Daze Floor
10. Delayed Blast Folderol
11. Detect Upheaval
12. Ice Stork
13. Incense Dairy Cloud
14. Infeasibility
15. Levitaste
16. Limited Fish
17. Magic Gar
18. Mass Infeasibility
19. Nystul's Magic Error
20. Protection from Upheaval
21. Reed Magic
22. Rolypolyform Other
23. Rolypolyform Self
24. Schlep
25. Shop Change
26. Serten's Spumoni
27. Teleknees
28. Trap the Vole
29. Water Bothering
30. Wizard Rye

Table: Misspells for Illusionists (Unpredict-O-Bubble Table)

Mis-Spells (like these and these) happen to illusionists, too, and here is the table to prove it. This is the fifteenth table of the Unpredict-O-Bubble Table.

Misspells for Illusionists

Roll 1d20

1. Blandness
2. Blurt
3. Ciaos
4. Continual Delight
5. Dankness
6. Detect Quizability
7. Distil Exhaustion
8. Duffness
9. Frog Cloud
10. Gazelle Deflection
11. Mist Direction
12. Moss Suggestion
13. Naan Detection
14. Paralegalization
15. Phantasmal Thriller
16. Prismatic Mall
17. Quizability
18. Shadow Puppets
19. True Sigh
20. Veal

Table: Misspells 2 (Unpredict-O-Bubble Table)

Our thaumaturgical troubleshooters work round the clock every day to uncover more Mis-Spells like those compiled here from the Table of Many Tables. This is the fourteenth table of the Unpredict-O-Bubble Table.

Misspells 2

Roll 1d30

1. Airy Wafer
2. Animate Bread
3. Blizzard Bye
4. Crowdkill
5. Conjure Sentimental
6. Detect Bevel
7. Dimension Boor
8. Doo-Wop Dimension
9. Explosive Runs
10. File Charm
11. Fire Crap
12. Flame Marrow
13. Flu
14. Hallucinatory Terrarium
15. Infantvision
16. Leomund's Secret Vest
17. Leomund's Tiny Hat
18. Massage
19. Meteor Shawarma
20. Mime Stop
21. Minor Glob of Vulgarity
22. Paste
23. Power Word, Fun
24. Prismatic Spore
25. Protection from Normal Missives
26. Rary's Pneumatic Depantser
27. Slop
28. Telepork
29. Wall of Irony
30. Wall of Rice

Magical Spell: Globe of Quietude

The idea for this spell may or may not have been inspired by a loud vehicle that disturbed my sleep last night.

Globe of Quietude

Spell Class: Magic-User
Spell Level: 3
Range: Special
Duration: 1 hour

This spell create a sphere of silence 8 cubits* in diameter centered on any being or object the caster can see or hear. If the target is unwilling, a successful saving throw will cause the globe of quietude to bounce to the next nearest being or object and so on until a target accepts it or fails its saving throw. Inanimate objects are not entitled to a saving throw. Once the globe hits its mark, it will move with its target, nullifying all sound within its area of effect. The globe of quietude persists until it expires, is cancelled by the caster, or is dispelled.

Unlike the clerical spell silence 15' radius, which prevents sound from issuing from its area of effect whilst permitting external sound to enter it, the globe of quietude is a barrier to all sound within its confines.

* 12 feet or 4 m.

Table: Misspells (Table of Many Tables)

Are these Mis-Spells the result of caster error, inaccurate transcription, or a combination of both? Or are they the magical norm in a parallel universe? This is but another mystery of the Table of Many Tables!

Misspells

Roll 1d30

1. Ape Change
2. Auntie Magic Shell
3. Clown
4. Cone of Old
5. Cymbal
6. Disinterest Grate
7. Firball
8. Fold Person
9. Geese
10. Glasstool
11. Glossee
12. Gourds and Words
13. Invisible Stocker
14. Lightning Belt
15. Lizard Wok
16. Meteors Warm
17. Mordenkainen's Sore
18. Moss Charm
19. Moss Invisibility
20. Move Hearth
21. Otto's Irresistible Dunce
22. Phantasmal Farce
23. Power Word, Blond(e)
24. Remove Purse
25. Reverse Gravy
26. Shocking Grass
27. Simulacrumb
28. Tenser's Floating Disco
29. Varnish
30. Weeblemind

Table: Spells (Table of Many Tables)

These spells have an instantaneous casting time and therefore cannot be interrupted, disrupted, or cancelled. So, cast with care! Table of Many Tables!

Spells

Roll 1d20

1. Alter Weather Slightly
2. Annoying Servant
3. Awkwardness 10' Radius
4. Baleful Baa
5. Call Snow
6. Color Play
7. Cone of Shame
8. Delayed Bluster
9. Eerie Glow
10. Find Friend
11. Improved Befuddlement
12. Phantom In-Law
13. Polymorph Condiment
14. Prismatic Invective
15. Ray of Deconstruction
16. Spectral Pet
17. Summon Volcano
18. Tectonic Shift
19. Wall of Mist
20. Xaxall's Extemporaneous Explosion

Magical Spell: Miniaturize

Magic-users are crafty when it comes to making their lives easier. A case in point is the spell miniaturize. It has many uses, but it was originally researched to enable magic-users to make their libraries more portable. Casting this spell will reduce a book the size of the Dungeon Masters Guide to about 4x3 inches (10x8 cm). An entire bookcase with 24 volumes of the Encyclopaedia Britannica measuring approximately 28x24x12 inches (71x61x30.5 cm) could be miniaturized to 9x8x4 inches (23x20x10 cm), which is about the size of a single hardcover dictionary. A miniaturized book will often remain perfectly readable (as owners of the miniature AD&D rulebooks published by Twenty First Century Games will attest), so a magic-user with good eyesight or a magnifier need not restore a book to normal size to use it whilst adventuring. Spellcasters have found other ingenious uses for this spell, but reduction of book mass remains its most common application.

Miniaturize

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 4
Range: 0
Duration: permanent

This spell will reduce the size of an object or collection of objects to 1:3 scale. The initial area affected may not be larger than 1 cubic foot (30.5 cubic cm) per level of the caster. Only inanimate objects can be affected by this spell. Each casting of miniaturize on the same object will reduce its size by a factor of three, i.e. the second casting will reduce it to 1:6 scale, a third to 1:9, a fourth to 1:12, etc. The magic-user must use a dispel magic spell to restore a miniaturized object to its normal size.

Wayne's Books.

Magical Spell: Unseen Assistant

The following spell is a more advanced version of the first level spell unseen servant.

Unseen Assistant

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 2
Range: 60' radius
Duration: 6 turns

By means of the spell unseen assistant, the caster may create invisible forces to perform repetitive tasks such as agitating test tubes, operating bellows, sharpening blades, stirring cauldrons, chopping vegetables, or any other light task that does not require extensive training. One unseen assistant may be created for each level of the caster, but each is capable of only one type of task for the spell's duration. In all other respects an unseen assistant is identical to an unseen servant.

Magical Spell: Bubble of Olfactory Memory

The following spell enables the caster to capture and store the scents of another time and place.

Bubble of Olfactory Memory

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 4
Range: Special
Duration: Permanent

The casting of a bubble of olfactory memory creates a transparent sphere 1 cubit* in diameter. This sphere is invulnerable to any blunt force, but the merest pinprick or contact with an edged weapon will cause it to burst. Casting dispel magic upon one will cause it to revert to a normal bubble. The caster or any magic-user may reduce its size to that of a pearl or restore it to its normal size at will, but must touch it in order to effect such change. Wherever a bubble is cast, it will store the scents of its immediate surroundings. Thenceforth, if a flame of any size is applied to the bubble, it will release the scents to its new surroundings until the flame is removed. The scents are recreated exactly as they existed in the time and place in which they were stored. In this manner, one could recreate the scents of a flower garden, a forest, the seaside, a bakery, an incense-filled temple, a crime scene, etc. This spell does not confer or limit any olfactory capacity on the part of the smeller. Those with superior olfactory powers, especially animals such as dogs, will be able to sense far more than those of average or below average olfaction.

N.B. This spell recreates all nonmagical scents in its immediate vicinity including, if present, noxious or mind-altering gases.

* 18 inches or 0.5 m.

Magical Spell: Bubble of Aural Memory

Similar to the spell clairaudience, the following spell enables the caster to hear a distant place, but isolated to a specific time. It is a mystical tape recorder, if you will.

Bubble of Aural Memory

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 4
Range: Special
Duration: Permanent

The casting of a bubble of aural memory creates a transparent sphere 1 cubit* in diameter. This sphere is invulnerable to any blunt force, but the merest pinprick or contact with an edged weapon will cause it to burst. Casting dispel magic upon one will cause it to revert to a normal bubble. The caster or any magic-user may reduce its size to that of a pearl or restore it to its normal size at will, but must touch it in order to effect such change. Wherever a bubble is cast, it will store the sounds of its surroundings for as long as desired to a maximum of one hour per level of the caster. The caster need not concentrate on the spell nor remain in proximity once it begins. When the storage is complete, the bubble may be consulted anywhere, and anyone who holds it to his or her ear will be able to hear the sounds just as they occurred when the spell was cast. This spell does not confer or limit any aural capacity on the part of the listener. Those with superior hearing will be able to hear more than those of average or below average hearing just as if they were present when the sounds were stored. Conversely, those with inferior hearing will be able to hear only as much as they would ordinarily be capable of hearing in the same situation.

* 18 inches or 0.5 m.

Magical Spell: Bubble of Visual Memory

Similar to the spell clairvoyance, the following spell enables the caster to see a distant place, but isolated to a specific time. It is a thaumaturgical camera, if you will.

Bubble of Visual Memory

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 4
Range: Special
Duration: Permanent

When a bubble of visual memory is cast, a transparent sphere 1 cubit* in diameter is created. This sphere is invulnerable to any blunt force, but the merest pinprick or contact with an edged weapon will cause it to burst. Casting dispel magic upon one will cause it to revert to a normal bubble. The caster or any magic-user may reduce its size to that of a pearl or restore it to its normal size at will, but must touch it in order to effect such change. Wherever a bubble is cast, it will capture the visual impression of its surroundings in all directions from its vantage point. Thenceforth, the bubble may be consulted anywhere, and anyone who gazes at it may see what was visible from the bubble's point of view at the exact moment the spell was cast. The orientation remains the same, so gazing at the bubble northwards, for instance, will provide a view of the bubble's visual memory of north at the time it was cast. Likewise, gazing at it from below will provide a view of its visual memory of above, and so on. The distance that can be seen extends as far as the horizon, but anything obstructed from the bubble's original vantage point (e.g. an object behind a boulder or a geographical feature behind a mountain ridge) will remain unseen. This spell does not confer or limit any visual capability on the part of the gazer. A nearsighted gazer will still be nearsighted with regard to perceiving the view of the bubble's visual memory, but so, too, will a gazer with the eyesight of a hawk or the ability to detect invisibility retain those abilities. Similarly, the light conditions at the time it was cast may affect the gazer's capacity to see (e.g. if it was cast at night and the gazer has normal human vision).

* 18 inches or 0.5 m.

Magical Spell: Proof Against Infestation

Not all threats to a magic-user's pride and joy (i.e. library and/or laboratory) are elemental. Some come in the form of living things that destroy valued objects by infesting them. Where the threat of infestation is present, however, a spell is there to ward against it:

Proof Against Infestation

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 3
Range: 0
Duration: 1 day per level of the caster upon exposure (also see below)

This spell provides total protection from infestation by rats, insects, and other vermin and creepy-crawlies for objects that would ordinarily be prey to such attacks, e.g. books, plants, alchemical ingredients, etc. The amount of material that may be so protected is equal in mass to one heavy book per level of the caster. This spell also provides potential protection from monstrous infestations, e.g. giant rats, green slime, etc. Any object protected by proof against infestation that is attacked by monstrous infestations is entitled to a saving throw versus poison made as if by a magic-user of the same level as the caster who originally cast the spell at the time the object received its protection. A successful save means no damage was sustained by the object and the creatures were repelled. The spell remains dormant until it is activated by contact with normal or monstrous creatures that attempt to infest the object. Once activated, the protection lasts for one day per level of the caster or until three saving throws have been rolled (whichever comes first).

Magical Spell: Proof Against Acid

Almost anything a magic-user values can be destroyed by acid. The practioner of magic would therefore be wise to prepare for such exigencies. This spell, for instance, could be most efficacious:

Proof Against Acid

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 3
Range: 0
Duration: 1 day per level of the caster upon exposure (also see below)

This spell provides total protection from normal acid for objects that would ordinarily be susceptible to damage from it. The amount of material that may be so protected is equal in mass to one heavy book per level of the caster. This spell also provides limited protection from magical acid, e.g. acid-based spells, acid-based breath weapons, etc. Any object protected by proof against acid is entitled to a +2 bonus to saving throws made versus the appropriate magical acid-based attack. Any such saving throw is made as if by a magic-user of the same level as the caster who originally cast the spell at the time the object received its protection. A successful save means no damage was sustained by the object. The spell remains dormant until it is activated by exposure to destructive acid. Once activated, the protection lasts for one day per level of the caster or until three saving throws have been rolled (whichever comes first).

Magical Spell: Proof Against Cold

Magic-users depend on much more than books in their profession. Potions, concoctions, herbs, and even ink can suffer from exposure to sudden drops of temperature. Hence this spell:

Proof Against Cold

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 3
Range: 0
Duration: 1 day per level of the caster upon exposure (also see below)

This spell provides total protection from normal cold and frost for objects that would ordinarily be susceptible to damage or alteration from ice or excessive cold, e.g. liquids, certain plants, etc. The amount of material that may be so protected is equal in mass to one heavy book per level of the caster. This spell also provides limited protection from magical frost, e.g. cone of cold, ice storm, cold-based breath weapons, etc. Any object protected by proof against cold is entitled to a +2 bonus to saving throws made versus the appropriate magical cold-based attack. Any such saving throw is made as if by a magic-user of the same level as the caster who originally cast the spell at the time the object received its protection. A successful save means no damage was sustained by the object. The spell remains dormant until it is activated by exposure to destructive cold (with or without ice). Once activated, the protection lasts for one day per level of the caster or until three saving throws have been rolled (whichever comes first).

Magical Spell: Proof Against Water

Along with fire, water is a prominent and serious threat to a magic-user's precious collection of tomes, codices, enchiridia, and scrolls. Thus the following spell:

Proof Against Water

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 3
Range: 0
Duration: 1 day per level of the caster upon exposure (also see below)

This spell provides total protection from water for objects that would ordinarily be susceptible to damage from exposure to liquids, e.g. books, scrolls, certain perishable foods, etc. The amount of material that may be so protected is equal in mass to one heavy book per level of the caster. This spell also provides limited protection from water-based attacks (such as by water elementals), immersion in enchanted water, and magical or otherwise unusual precipitation. Any object protected by proof against water is entitled to a +2 bonus to saving throws made versus the appropriate magical water-based attack or threat. Any such saving throw is made as if by a magic-user of the same level as the caster who originally cast the spell at the time the object received its protection. A successful save means no damage was sustained by the object. The spell remains dormant until it is activated by exposure to destructive moisture, water, or water-like liquids. Once activated, the protection lasts for one day per level of the caster or until three saving throws have been rolled (whichever comes first).

Magical Spell: Proof Against Fire

With a magic-user's reliance on equipment that is best kept in a climate-controlled library far from danger, one would think there would be more spells for the protection of spell books, scrolls, and the like. The following spell for magic-users and elves addresses this concern.

Proof Against Fire

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 3
Range: 0
Duration: 1 day per level of the caster upon exposure (also see below)

This spell provides total protection from normal fire for objects that would ordinarily be flammable or otherwise susceptible to damage from flames or excessive heat, e.g. paper, wood, cloth, wax, etc. The amount of material that may be so protected is equal in mass to one heavy book per level of the caster. This spell also provides limited protection from magical fire, e.g. fire balls, fire-based breath weapons, etc. Any object protected by proof against fire is entitled to a +2 bonus to saving throws made versus the appropriate magical fire-based attack. Any such saving throw is made as if by a magic-user of the same level as the caster who originally cast the spell at the time the object received its protection. A successful save means no damage was sustained by the object. The spell remains dormant until it is activated by exposure to destructive heat (with or without flames). Once activated, the protection lasts for one day per level of the caster or until three saving throws have been rolled (whichever comes first).

Why Resurrection Is Bad for D&D

As presented in Dungeons & Dragons, spells that restore life to the dead — actual life, not an undead existence — would have catastrophic effects on any world if taken to their logical conclusion. The primary culprits are the clerical spells raise dead and resurrection. Unsustainable population explosions are often cited as one side effect of this boon. Another, likelier, byproduct of such spells would be the inevitable rise of theocracies wherever there are clerics with the ability to cast them. Surely the ultimate tool that could be used to win converts would be the allure of eternal life. Surely the primary form of corruption would be the fleecing of the wealthiest to ensure their resurrection. The highest level clerics would inevitably become either the power behind the throne, effectively reducing all monarchs to puppets, or they would rule outright. Who would deny their legitimacy at the risk of losing the opportunity to be resurrected? In such a world, the primary concern of all people would be to earn the right to be resurrected. All wars would be religious wars, because every nation would be under the direct control of a specific religion. The ultimate form of rebellion would be the deliberate rejection of resurrection and those who control it. All of this is fine for an alternative dystopia, but it utterly fails to reflect any fantasy world I've seen depicted in literature or gaming.

Apart from the vast global implications of resurrection spells, what about the personal implications? If I am playing a lawful good cleric capable of casting resurrection, how could I not spend the rest of my days restoring life to every corpse brought to me by a grieving relative? Do all clerics rise in level to become resurrection factories? How can one be selective without being consumed with guilt? Whether the scale is large or small, raise dead and resurrection as standard clerical spells simply fail to support the emulation of any fantasy world I've ever read about, gamed in, or seen. That is why I would abolish them.

I would be willing to consider resurrection as a unique power that might exist in a single relic, or which might be granted by a god under extraordinarily rare conditions (perhaps once per century... or millennium), but as a spell, most emphatically no.

Reincarnation is another matter.

Clerical Spell: Sanctify Weapon

As I mentioned previously, fantasy worlds where magic weapons are rare in the extreme needn't be devoid of those supernatural horrors that can only be harmed by magic weapons, but adventurers will stand a better chance of surviving if they have some sort of alternative at their disposal. One alternative is the spell, of which the second level magic-user spell ensorcel weapon is one example (q.v.). The fourth level clerical spell sanctify weapon, described below, is another.

This spell conforms to the wisdom of Basic/Expert D&D and Labyrinth Lord in that creatures who are only affected by magic weapons are affected by any magic weapon regardless of its bonus.

Sanctify Weapon

Spell Class: Cleric
Spell Level: 4
Range: 0
Duration: special

This spell invests one ordinary weapon with a divine purpose: that of destroying supernatural forces of an alignment other than the caster’s. Specifically, it renders the weapon effective against those beings who are invulnerable to non-magical (or non-silver) weapons. The spell lasts as long as it is being used against such beings. If the weapon is ever used to strike any foe other than supernatural enemies, the weapon will become desanctified and the spell’s effect will end. This spell does not confer combat bonuses.

Lawful clerics may employ this spell against demons, devils, the undead, and hostile elementals. Chaotic clerics may employ it against angels and hostile elementals.

If the ninefold alignment system is being used, alignment opposition will be determined by Good vs. Evil, not Law vs. Chaos.

Magical Spell: Ensorcel Weapon

Previously, I mentioned that one of the consequences of a wizard-scarce fantasy world is that there will be a dangerously short supply of magic weapons with which to dispatch those foes who are unaffected by mundane weapons. A scarcity of magic weapons is, I should mention, a desirable feature, not a flaw. The scarcer they are, the greater they are valued, and the more they add to the fantastical atmosphere of the adventures. Making these supernatural monsters vulnerable to non-magical weapons is not a solution. It reduces the value of the coveted magic weapon, and it reduces the impressiveness of the monster. Rather, I think the answer lies in spells. AD&D already gives us the fourth level magic-user spell enchanted weapon, but this spell is too weak for its assigned level, and it comes far too late in a magic-user's career to be useful, for by the time he or she has reached the minimum level to cast it (seventh), the adventuring party will surely have found at least one magic weapon. In fact, they probably would not have survived long enough to reach that level if they hadn't found one considerably earlier. The answer is to make the spell accessible at an earlier level. The following variant is a second level spell, accessible to magic-users and elves at the third level of experience.

This spell conforms to the wisdom of Basic/Expert D&D and Labyrinth Lord in that creatures who are only affected by magic weapons are affected by any magic weapon regardless of its bonus.

Ensorcel Weapon

Spell Class: Magic-user
Spell Level: 2
Range: 0
Duration: 6 rounds per level of the caster

This spell temporarily enchants one ordinary weapon (or up to three small weapons, such as arrows, bolts, or daggers), thereby rendering it effective against foes who are invulnerable to non-magical (or non-silver) weapons. This spell does not confer combat bonuses.