01 May 2021

Table: Scrolls of Profound Deja Vu (Expanding Unknown Table)

Behold the Scrolls of Profound Déjà Vu! Do they not remind you of something? This is the twelfth table of the Expanding Unknown Table.

Scrolls of Profound Déjà Vu

Roll 1d12

1. One spell
2. Two spells
3. Three spells
4. Protection from Logic (Invokes a potent invisible sphere of anti-logic in a 4 cubit radius from the reader, preventing any form of logic from passing in or out of its confines for 1d30 minutes.)
5. Protection from Possessions (Causes all of one's possessions to fly from one's person instantly. Prevents the gathering of any possessions for 1d30 hours. Affects only the reader.)
6. Protection from Unfun Dead (Creates a barrier with a 6 cubit radius against all undead who do not embrace fun. Has a duration of 2d6 hours.)
7. Protection from Verification (Prevents anyone from verifying the reader's identity for 3d4 hours.)
8. Protection from Weevil (Destroys any weevil that enters its 8 cubit radius with an accompanying clap of thunder. Has a duration of 1d30 days.)
9. One misspell
10. Two misspells
11. Three misspells
12. Four misspells

28 April 2021

Table: Tavern Encounters (Expanding Unknown Table)

Ah, taverns. Ah, encounters. Encounters in taverns. This is the eleventh table of the Expanding Unknown Table.

Tavern Encounters

Roll 1d8

1. A fortune teller offers to foretell your future in exchange for a drink. (The fortunes are surprisingly accurate if a bit meandering and slurred.)
2. A troubador asks to sit at your table to listen to your tales of adventure. (The troubador is prone to extreme exaggeration, and will recount any tale with at least twice as much danger and bravado.)
3. A rat scurries from under your table, and you could swear it paused and winked at you before it disappeared through a hole.
4. A mysterious individual in a hooded cloak sits alone and unmoving at a table in the corner, seemingly listening to everything, but uttering nothing. (It's a trick of the light. Someone just put their pack on a chair and hung their cloak over it. It isn't Strider.)
5. A fight erupts between two identical individuals who claim they are the same person. Each will accuse the other of being an imposter. (In fact they are two drunk doppelgängers fighting over who gets to impersonate the person they may or may not have killed.)
6. A guard bursts through the door and demands to know if the quiz has started yet. (It hasn't.)
7. A lutenist and a singer perform a very sad song, creating a melancholy atmosphere in the tavern until someone tosses them a coin and tells them to play something more cheerful. They perform the same sad song, but with a faster tempo and smiles on their faces.
8. The tavernkeeper's cat — a lynx, really — curls up on your lap and falls asleep, flexing its long, sharp claws as it dreams. (Sudden moves are inadvisable.)

27 April 2021

Table: Words of Rejection (Expanding Unknown Table)

Are you being pestered by unwelcome advances at your favorite local [anywhere]? Do courtiers try to court you? Do your suitors not suit you? Are you tired of saying the same thing day after day and night after night? Then try these random words of rejection. This is the tenth table of the Expanding Unknown Table.

Words of Rejection

Roll 1d10

1. "Are you through with that so-called proposal? Well, I propose you back off before I run you through!"
2. "Death is a likelier outcome. Your death, to be precise."
3. "Do you need a pantomime to explain it to you?" (Rude gesture.)
4. "Fare thee in Hell."
5. "I'd rather succumb to the plague than spend an evening with you."
6. "I'd sooner clean stables than continue this conversation."
7. "Marry you? No, but I'm willing to bury you as soon as you like."
8. "What? I don't speak oafish."
9. "You call that a sword? Looks more like a pig-sticker to me."
10. "Your offer is as tantalizing as a pit full of dung."

25 April 2021

Table: Character Middle Grounds (Expanding Unknown Table)

That which lies between the background and the foreground is obviously the middle ground wherein one can plumb the innermost depths of the psyche. This is the ninth table of the Expanding Unknown Table.

Character Middle Grounds

Roll 1d12

This character...

1. Thinks about fields of grain whenever possible.
2. Remembers (misremembers?) being raised by rabbits.
3. Is tormented by nightmares of having a happy and fulfilling life.
4. Is jealous of orphans.
5. Has an irrational fear of soup.
6. Has an irrational fascination with falling.
7. Had a stable upbringing.
8. Daydreams about being a thespian.
9. Can smell danger.
10. Cannot see the color blue without becoming emotional.
11. Cannot hear music without criticizing it.
12. Believes everyone is a werewolf. And is a werewolf.

24 April 2021

Table: Phantastical Cures (Expanding Unknown Table)

You have a most unusual {condition, curse, disease, illness, malady}. You are wise to consult the {doctor, learned elder, physician, sage, scholar, Wise One, witch, wizard}. Heed the advice... if you dare... for this is the eighth table of the Expanding Unknown Table.

Phantastical Cures

Roll 1d12

You will surely be cured by...

1. Drinking one tear sincerely shed by a demon or devil.
2. Applying two giant leeches until nearly dead, followed by a ritual of purification and a hearty breakfast.
3. Bathing in a waterfall by the light of the moon for three nights.
4. Immersion in a vat of kraken sepia for four minutes.
5. Collecting five gold rings and distributing them to five who are truly in need.
6. Swallowing six eels during a rainstorm.
7. Taking and honoring a vow to remain silent every seventh day for a year.
8. Eating eight spiders within the span of eight hours.
9. Tickling your feet with a cockatrice feather once a day for nine days.
10. Wearing bandages woven from the silk of a legendary spider for ten days.
11. Imbibing a potion consisting of eleven rare ingredients gathered by you and your comrades.
12. Resting, drinking plenty of water, and slaying the twelve infernal guardians of madness.

20 April 2021

Table: Bazaar Encounters (Expanding Unknown Table)

If there is a word that could describe the encounters one could have at a bazaar, it is lost in the mists of something-or-other. This is the seventh table of the Expanding Unknown Table.

Bazaar Encounters

Roll 1d8

1. Bim. Thief-in-training. Will politely ask if he may try to pick one's pocket. If successful, he will return anything he steals.
2. Cantrip the Cloth Merchant. Sells fabric that allegedly cannot be torn. Such merchandise is too fine to display at a bazaar, but the shop is not far...
3. Enid the Dancer. Dances aggressively at anyone she sees until they pay her to stop, move along, or converse with her about anything except dancing. Her favorite topic is philosophy.
4. Gluum the Skulker. Avoids direct light. Always whispers. Eager to share rumors in exchange for other rumors.
5. Kazzandra. Witch. Brewer. Hostess of the best festivals in the region.
6. Luthos the Magician. A wizard at fixing things. Possibly an actual wizard?
7. Sturbo the Wretched. Often mistaken for a vagrant, but is actually the head official in charge of the bazaar. Friendly, but every utterance sounds like his last.
8. Thorlip. Compulsive gambler with a lisp. Fast runner.

19 April 2021

Table: Wands of Comparative Wondrousness (Expanding Unknown Table)

For the magic of a Wand of Comparative Wondrousness to take effect, the wand must either tap or be pointed at the target as the magic words (if any) are pronounced. This is true whether the recipient of the magic is the wielder or someone (or something) else. All such wands have a limited number of uses, so discretion is advised. This is the sixth table of the Expanding Unknown Table.

Wands of Comparative Wondrousness

Roll 1d12

1. Wand of Enemy Defection: Causes enemies to reconsider their choices and join the opposing side. Duration depends on how they are treated.
2. Wand of Gyration: Imbues the target with legendary skill as a dancer and an uncanny ability to dodge attacks until the current song ends.
3. Wand of Lightening: Decreases the weight of the target by 1d100% for 1d4 days. Subsequent castings on the same target cancel previous castings, i.e. the effects are not cumulative.
4. Wand of Magic Distraction: Will redirect an incoming spell to another target.
5. Wand of Metal and Mineral Delectation: Enables the target to safely consume and enjoy the flavor of metal and mineral substances.
6. Wand of Negotiation: Causes the target to be willing to negotiate (although the terms may or may not be agreeable to both parties).
7. Wand of Pear: Multiplies target (if a pear) by 12d12. Transforms target (if not a pear) into a pear.
8. Wand of Polly-Forming: Multiplies target (if a parrot) by 6d6. Transforms target (if not a parrot) into a parrot.
9. Wand of Pyre: Causes any targeted wooden construction to be engulfed in flames.
10. Wand of Relaxation: Soothes muscles and eliminates stress.
11. Wand of Roast: Instantly roasts any suitable food item.
12. Wand of Secret Vocation: Reveals the identity of spies, charlatans, assassins, criminals, doppelgängers, etc.

18 April 2021

Table: Staves of Juxtaposed Potency (Expanding Unknown Table)

"And so it was that the Staves of Juxtaposed Potency were compared unfavorably to their counterparts..." (From The Guide of the Masters of Dungeons.) This is the fifth table of the Expanding Unknown Table.

Staves of Juxtaposed Potency

Roll 1d6

1. Staff of Curing Meats: Instantly cures any meat.
2. Staff of Demand: Enables the wielder to issue demands understandable in any language or form of communication.
3. Staff of Powder: Emit a cone of powder of a type specified by the wielder, e.g. baking, itching, sneezing, talcum, etc.
4. Staff of the Lungfish: Transforms into a lungfish or summons 5d20 lungfish.
5. Staff of the Mage Pie: Conjures award-winning pies.
6. Staff of Striking Poses: Enables the wielder to strike a pose, thereby stunning all witnesses with amazement.
7. Staff of Withering Remarks: Enables the wielder to deliver scathing comments that demoralize the recipient.

17 April 2021

Table: Rods of Approximal Impressiveness (Expanding Unknown Table)

These are the noble Rods of Approximal Impressiveness, noted for the likeness they bear to certain other rods, which shall remain nameless. This is the fourth table of the Expanding Unknown Table.

Rods of Approximal Impressiveness

Roll 1d6

1. Rod of Be-Gilling: Enables the wielder to bestow gills and the ability to breathe underwater to any recipient.
2. Rod of Gourdly Might: Renders any gourd indestructible or gigantic. Enchanting the same gourd twice causes the staff to explode.
3. Rod of Lordly Blight: Ruins the crops of any aristocrat.
4. Rod of Resuscitation: Restores life to someone who has been apparently dead or near death for no longer than 12 minutes. Can be used once per week.
5. Rod of Ruler Sip: Enables the wielder to identify any liquid by taste with no risk of ill effects.
6. Rod of Smiling: Enables the wielder to force anyone in the presence of the rod to smile.

11 April 2021

Table: Rings of Adjacent Power (Expanding Unknown Table)

These are the fabled Rings of Adjacent Power, so-named because of their similiarity in name to other enchanted rings of legend. This is the third table of the Expanding Unknown Table. Be impressed!

Rings of Adjacent Power

Roll 1d10

1. Ring of Dinner Summoning: Can manifest a meal for the wearer and any number of guests once per day to the exact specifications of whoever orders it. The wording of the order will be taken literally.
2. Ring of Divisibility: Will, upon command, instantly divide any countable thing into however many equal amounts the wearer desires.
3. Ring of Feather Filling: Can cause a container of any volume to be filled with feathers. Can produce up to six featherbeds worth of feathers per day.
4. Ring of Fee Action: Enables the wearer to exact a fee from any action, once per day, which must be paid before the action can be completed. The fee is always 3d6 coins of the lowest denomination.
5. Ring of Fife Resistance: Provides unlimited protection against wind instruments.
6. Ring of Multiple Fishes: Will, upon command, instantly multiply any fish seen or touched once per day into as many fish as the wearer desires.
7. Ring of Smell Storing: Can store any scent smelled by the wearer and, if so desired, release it on command.
8. Ring of Spell Churning: Transforms any spell directed at its wearer into butter.
9. Ring of Swilling: Enables the wearer to guzzle any amount of liquid with no harmful effects.
10. Ring of Water Waltzing: Enables the wearer and one dance partner to dance across the surface of any body of liquid. Ability lasts only as long as both partners are dancing.